on being brave.

i try to begin each day with morning pages – three pages of free form thought. i don’t pay attention to the penmanship, grammar or spelling. i don’t edit and i never go back and read. it’s torture for a perfectionist. the past week i’ve struggled though. i feel as if i am writing the same thing over and over and over again. but isn’t that life? the same scenarios, the same stories live their own lives within us. and i want to conquer those stories that are on repeat in my head – because they’re not always pretty stories. they are filled with lies. they are stories of others’ expectations, misunderstandings and hurt. the problem with the stories in my head (in our heads) is that they are not easily contained. they slip out mid-sentence or we base decisions on this reel of film that is ever-playing. yes, we should fill our minds with things that are lovely and true. but the world doesn’t play by those rules and life can be callous and hurtful and it never becomes any easier. and when those stories are planted there at a young age.. whew. it’s a tough one.

but i love morning pages because i become aware of those stories. and when i am aware, i can make strides toward changing my story. i am trying so hard to be brave and not sabotage the life i am meant to live. i want to live to the fullest – create and love and learn. i want to live out bravery. i make mistakes and i’m fearful that the next mistake is going to be The One – whatever it might be. but that cannot be a reason to stop living and moving. fear has no place in the life fully lived.

“Fear of the unexplainable has not only impoverished our inner lives, but also diminished relations between people; these have been dragged, so to speak, from the river of infinite possibilities and stuck on the dry bank where nothing happens. For it is not only sluggishness that makes human relations so unspeakably monotonous, it is the aversion to any new, unforeseen experience we are not sure we can handle.”  

– rilke

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