blah-ness and the questions that arise

i went to the gym today, worked, saw a movie (audrey tatou can do no wrong) and came home, sat on my back porch, lit a cigarette and cried.

it’s been a week. tough news, crazy spouts of achy loneliness with no resolve, a world that is harsh and violent, busyness, yet the moments when i am alone and aware seem so very long. in the midst, there are these beautiful moments of peace – a kind word, gentle reminders of goodness, storms sweeping in over the mountains, new possibilities to dream, my little garden that provides herbs, tomatoes, peppers. and then the loneliness hits again out of nowhere. there are these little roots of distrust, insecurity and jealousy that threaten to kill relationships – good relationships with lovely and kind people. i have questions and doubts and i question not only myself, but God. and i know i am not alone in these thoughts.

and then i am reminded that i am human. i make mistakes, but i have also made brave, good decisions. i am not defined by my past and am being made new. i believe in truth, but also know that there is room for questions. the world is far too full of stagnant people, never daring to question what they see and hear. i want more. and that is uncomfortable. and lonely. i have questions and very few answers. but i am comforted, trying to living in paradox.

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” (rilke)

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