“I want to think again of dangerous and noble things.
I want to be light and frolicsome.
I want to be improbable beautiful and afraid of nothing,
as though I had wings.” – mary oliver
if you’ve been around me long enough, you know that my mantra for the past year has been “yes.” that mantra was born out of a long season of grief, depression (i don’t use that word lightly), loads of fear and the effects of all that nastiness. i discovered ruby woo (a red lipstick that has rocked my world), the power of leather pants (sometimes they work a little too well) and am learning how not to live so analytically and simply LIVE because of saying “yes.” it’s harder than it sounds.
i use to think i was a pessimist. now i’m not so sure. i think i’m actually an optimist that was given a few bad hands and instead of standing up for myself, i backed down and believed the little ugly voices in my head. those voices robbed me of life for several years. i’m finding my way back and last week i had a moment where i realized that saying “yes” has become a way of life. and perhaps the freedom to do so has even affected those around me for the better.
there are days (or weeks, if i’m honest) when life is really difficult. take last week for instance: two of my first and best friends here in denver both decided to move within the same week. i saw a couple traumatic things happen and my heart is trying its damnedest to remain open to possibilities when everything inside of me just wants to run. so what did i do in the midst of this? i wish i could say that i rose above and handled everything with grace and openness. instead i hid a little and cried a lot. i busied myself so i wouldn’t have to deal with all that was outside of my control – which if we’re honest, is everything outside of myself. i tried to control situations and i based present circumstances on past results. i work with teen girls, some of whom have experienced things i can only imagine. and we talk of mindfulness, taking people at face value, not reading into situations. i’m not always good at listening to my own advice.
all this to say… saying “yes” to life is a day by day choice. some days it’s a moment by moment choice. and as i write this, i am choosing yes, choosing life, choosing to be okay – whatever happens. what a gift.